For anyone who has lost someone close ‘the anniversary’ always approaches with trepidation and dread. Certainly the first is the worst – the first birthday, Christmas, mothers day (in my situation – I made a massive error in finding myself out in New York for USA Mother’s day meaning I kind of did it twice in the first year)!
The pain never really goes away but having been close to both my Nan and Great Aunt who helped to raise me so my Mum could go to work I do know that stabbing pain of grief can and often does pass although not always.
For me finding myself the last branch in my immediate family tree is not feeling I can share the anniversary. Everyone has their own life trials and tribulations (if they say they don’t they are either lying or in denial in my opinion). I’m so over social media (she says writing a blog) but, again having no immediate family to share images with I also feel like it is a look at me, how many likes can I get today. If I had siblings, nieces, nephews and maybe even grandchildren to share it with I probably would post as the whole family would jump in with their memories, pictures etc. But being just one I find it – well attention seeking and actually maybe a bit isolating as I don’t have family who will jump in with the above. So, ultimately it just leaves me feeling more alone in my grief.
What I decided is that I don’t want to think about the day they died but more about the day they were born. Tomorrow is another day and I truly believe we should rejoice that they lived not mourn that they have past after all we are told that life is a gift.
I do believe that laughing helps grief – memories whether you are one or a family the size of a small village are always there and can bring great comfort. Listening to music or, watching a show/film you loved can bring joy. Oddly as a fan of Sex in the City the episode where Miranda’s Mum passes always brings a smile to my face not only as she comments that her mum ‘stayed awake long enough to veto her lipstick’ something my mum would have said to me but, also the hideous floral tribute that Charlotte orders ‘I said tasteful, not let’s disco’ – if you haven’t watched it its called ‘My motherboard myself’ and I think sums up a lot of what can be a mother/daughter relationship into one. It certainly did for me as my mum and I certainly didn’t always see eye to eye and I think that’s difficult to articulate after someone has died as, we are always told never speak ill of the dead. But why can we not remember someone warts and all? After all we are all human and therefore not perfect – Alexander Pope summed it up ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine’.
I do feel it is certainly harder to deal with anniversaries of the death of a loved one when you are that single branch – well a twig really clinging to what is left of your family tree. Because people’s lives move on and what is still a significant date in your life is not in the lives of others. They have their own dates to remember and with the best will in the world no one can remember every date – myself included. I still use a filo fax and it’s really come into it’s own since I hit menopause!!
So, I leave this particular blog without giving any real insight into being the last in line other than to say, you are not alone.
