Anyone reading this blog may at first wonder what the hell this has to do with the purpose of finding yourself at the end of your family line. But, for me as the only child of a mother who was also an only child it has a lot. I do not know why it took my father over 30 years to make contact – although I accept the internet made it easier and, I never had the opportunity to really understand why my parents split. There is certainly enough to suggest that their relationship was toxic but to what degree and how I have never been able to establish and, it is now safe to say never will.
My maternal grandfather died before I was born (I am lead to believe he was a kind man, husband and father and very much missed).
Therefore I was brought up by my mum, my maternal grandmother and, my great aunt – who as an unmarried lady had the somewhat dubious title of ‘Spinster’ which, is maybe one of the earliest signs of misogyny given that ‘Bachelor’ has always had much more positive connotations. The fact that she had called off her engagement as the last of her siblings to become engaged to care for her ailing mother earned her no grace (sadly her ex-fiancé never married either) but, I cannot see a man having made the same sacrifice and, in the event they did – regardless of their sexuality they would unlikely have been called a bachelor – other names most definitely but, lets face it nothing positive.
Being brought up in an all female household I will admit did leave boys and men somewhat of an enigma to me. Of course I interacted with boys at school, male members of my family and, male members of my friend’s families but, as I grew up and started to become interested in the opposite sex alongside raging hormones there was also a fear of the unknown. Ultimately raging hormones did win out.
There has been a lot around violence and misogyny around women in recent years but OMG I look back at somethings in my life and think what the fuck? I have been sexually assaulted, felt up against my will and perhaps most shockingly look back at to male members of friend’s families who made very inappropriate comments to me when I was still wearing braces! I hasten to add that I have long since lost contact with those friends. Not to mention being spiked.
Perhaps the most upsetting when dealing with the grief of losing my mum is when I was sexually assaulted whilst at work. Without going into it too much my job at the time was visiting the homes of customers one of whom pinned me up against the wall and tried to snog me – doesn’t sound like much but, the Police and CPS thought it was enough to charge him with sexual assault although he subsequently jumped bail. My Mum said simply ‘ Oh people have told me if it goes to Court I should come with you’ – I can’t say how much that hurt and, lead me down a spiral of self hatred and lack of self worth and confidence. Even someone I knew who was a DCI at first thought I’d gone back there after a night out and therefore whilst maybe hadn’t asked for it, felt there was some culpability on my part until they learned that it was 7pm, I was sober and there for a work appointment!
If we take a look a anyone who maybe has had a few and found themselves with someone in the heat of the moment I suspect the numbers would be a lot higher than anything #metoo highlighted, I certainly know of incidents where people have thought it is easier to go along with it than create a fuss – least said soonest mended. Why? Because victim blaming is still very much alive and kicking! Raped in an alleyway after dark? Well why were you there? Hmm because I was on my way home and why shouldn’t I be? No one asks why the rapist was there – or well why wear a short skirt? Again no one asks why a man feels he can record up her skirt or put his hand up it. Sadly, that is still very much culture.
Programmes like Adolescence have really shone a light on incels and toxic masculinity but in my mind they are labels for something that has always been there. Are Andrew Tate’s teachings anything new? NO! He’s just repackaged what the Suffragettes fought against for the 21st Century and, incels – there have always been men and women for that matter that have felt inferior – its nothing new. It is a label and a ‘movement’ that is a way of belonging.
I have jumped down a rabbit warren here, so to bring it back to topic being a woman is still about changing societal views. Yes, women can now be CEO’s but it is still very much a man’s world and when you find yourself without any immediate family support the world can feel a much lonelier place.
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