andthentherewasone

Category: POST FORMAT

  • Is misogyny new?

    Anyone reading this blog may at first wonder what the hell this has to do with the purpose of finding yourself at the end of your family line. But, for me as the only child of a mother who was also an only child it has a lot. I do not know why it took my father over 30 years to make contact – although I accept the internet made it easier and, I never had the opportunity to really understand why my parents split. There is certainly enough to suggest that their relationship was toxic but to what degree and how I have never been able to establish and, it is now safe to say never will.

    My maternal grandfather died before I was born (I am lead to believe he was a kind man, husband and father and very much missed).

    Therefore I was brought up by my mum, my maternal grandmother and, my great aunt – who as an unmarried lady had the somewhat dubious title of ‘Spinster’ which, is maybe one of the earliest signs of misogyny given that ‘Bachelor’ has always had much more positive connotations. The fact that she had called off her engagement as the last of her siblings to become engaged to care for her ailing mother earned her no grace (sadly her ex-fiancé never married either) but, I cannot see a man having made the same sacrifice and, in the event they did – regardless of their sexuality they would unlikely have been called a bachelor – other names most definitely but, lets face it nothing positive.

    Being brought up in an all female household I will admit did leave boys and men somewhat of an enigma to me. Of course I interacted with boys at school, male members of my family and, male members of my friend’s families but, as I grew up and started to become interested in the opposite sex alongside raging hormones there was also a fear of the unknown. Ultimately raging hormones did win out.

    There has been a lot around violence and misogyny around women in recent years but OMG I look back at somethings in my life and think what the fuck? I have been sexually assaulted, felt up against my will and perhaps most shockingly look back at to male members of friend’s families who made very inappropriate comments to me when I was still wearing braces! I hasten to add that I have long since lost contact with those friends. Not to mention being spiked.

    Perhaps the most upsetting when dealing with the grief of losing my mum is when I was sexually assaulted whilst at work. Without going into it too much my job at the time was visiting the homes of customers one of whom pinned me up against the wall and tried to snog me – doesn’t sound like much but, the Police and CPS thought it was enough to charge him with sexual assault although he subsequently jumped bail. My Mum said simply ‘ Oh people have told me if it goes to Court I should come with you’ – I can’t say how much that hurt and, lead me down a spiral of self hatred and lack of self worth and confidence. Even someone I knew who was a DCI at first thought I’d gone back there after a night out and therefore whilst maybe hadn’t asked for it, felt there was some culpability on my part until they learned that it was 7pm, I was sober and there for a work appointment!

    If we take a look a anyone who maybe has had a few and found themselves with someone in the heat of the moment I suspect the numbers would be a lot higher than anything #metoo highlighted, I certainly know of incidents where people have thought it is easier to go along with it than create a fuss – least said soonest mended. Why? Because victim blaming is still very much alive and kicking! Raped in an alleyway after dark? Well why were you there? Hmm because I was on my way home and why shouldn’t I be? No one asks why the rapist was there – or well why wear a short skirt? Again no one asks why a man feels he can record up her skirt or put his hand up it. Sadly, that is still very much culture.

    Programmes like Adolescence have really shone a light on incels and toxic masculinity but in my mind they are labels for something that has always been there. Are Andrew Tate’s teachings anything new? NO! He’s just repackaged what the Suffragettes fought against for the 21st Century and, incels – there have always been men and women for that matter that have felt inferior – its nothing new. It is a label and a ‘movement’ that is a way of belonging.

    I have jumped down a rabbit warren here, so to bring it back to topic being a woman is still about changing societal views. Yes, women can now be CEO’s but it is still very much a man’s world and when you find yourself without any immediate family support the world can feel a much lonelier place.

  • The anniversary

    For anyone who has lost someone close ‘the anniversary’ always approaches with trepidation and dread. Certainly the first is the worst – the first birthday, Christmas, mothers day (in my situation – I made a massive error in finding myself out in New York for USA Mother’s day meaning I kind of did it twice in the first year)!

    The pain never really goes away but having been close to both my Nan and Great Aunt who helped to raise me so my Mum could go to work I do know that stabbing pain of grief can and often does pass although not always.

    For me finding myself the last branch in my immediate family tree is not feeling I can share the anniversary. Everyone has their own life trials and tribulations (if they say they don’t they are either lying or in denial in my opinion). I’m so over social media (she says writing a blog) but, again having no immediate family to share images with I also feel like it is a look at me, how many likes can I get today. If I had siblings, nieces, nephews and maybe even grandchildren to share it with I probably would post as the whole family would jump in with their memories, pictures etc. But being just one I find it – well attention seeking and actually maybe a bit isolating as I don’t have family who will jump in with the above. So, ultimately it just leaves me feeling more alone in my grief.

    What I decided is that I don’t want to think about the day they died but more about the day they were born. Tomorrow is another day and I truly believe we should rejoice that they lived not mourn that they have past after all we are told that life is a gift.

    I do believe that laughing helps grief – memories whether you are one or a family the size of a small village are always there and can bring great comfort. Listening to music or, watching a show/film you loved can bring joy. Oddly as a fan of Sex in the City the episode where Miranda’s Mum passes always brings a smile to my face not only as she comments that her mum ‘stayed awake long enough to veto her lipstick’ something my mum would have said to me but, also the hideous floral tribute that Charlotte orders ‘I said tasteful, not let’s disco’ – if you haven’t watched it its called ‘My motherboard myself’ and I think sums up a lot of what can be a mother/daughter relationship into one. It certainly did for me as my mum and I certainly didn’t always see eye to eye and I think that’s difficult to articulate after someone has died as, we are always told never speak ill of the dead. But why can we not remember someone warts and all? After all we are all human and therefore not perfect – Alexander Pope summed it up ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine’.

    I do feel it is certainly harder to deal with anniversaries of the death of a loved one when you are that single branch – well a twig really clinging to what is left of your family tree. Because people’s lives move on and what is still a significant date in your life is not in the lives of others. They have their own dates to remember and with the best will in the world no one can remember every date – myself included. I still use a filo fax and it’s really come into it’s own since I hit menopause!!

    So, I leave this particular blog without giving any real insight into being the last in line other than to say, you are not alone.